I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
