in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
