I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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