Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
