everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
