then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
