It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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