so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So apparently I’m into choking now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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