you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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