I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
