see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
