its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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