this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
