totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
