I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
