I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
