someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
