I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
