I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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