TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
