Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
