Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
