kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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