apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
