I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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