throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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