I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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