I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
