My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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