I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
