i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We named our party play list daddy issues
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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