He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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