Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
