dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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