also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
