So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
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I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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