Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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