The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
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I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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