Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
