Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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