I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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