for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
