I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
