you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
