The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
