Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
