I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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