how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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