The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
