My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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