you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
