I wish my penis had an off switch
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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