I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
