Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
